Christmas features – That Geek Thing

6 New Fantasy Authors To Watch In 2016

January 1, 2016

by thatmediathing with No Comment Features

I’ve read just over a hundred books this year, as well as a couple of hundred comics. I’ve thrown myself at genres and authors I would never normally bother with and a big part of that has been fantasy. I’ve always thought of myself as a horror and science fiction guy. You have a crashing spaceship? I’m there. You have a crashing spaceship with a living war machine on it? I’m so there.

But the big thing I’ve learned this year is just how great current fantasy fiction is. And I’m not talking the usual suspects either. Don’t get me wrong, they’re great but there’s so much more in the field than the latest grimdark spike fest or kettlebell-sized multi-volume tome. There are immensely fun, clever, new voices emerging and there are six in particular I want to talk about.

So, think of this article as a new year’s resolution and a “To-Do” list. Here are six authors who have work out now, and new work you’ll see in 2016. Together they span fantasy, science fiction and YA. Most importantly, together they also represent just how much fun genre fiction is right now. Plus if you ever wanted a half dozen authors to work an elaborate heist with? You want these six.

Jen Williams

Twitter: @sennydreadful
For current titles available on Amazon click here

Jen Williams is the only author The Copper Cat will listen to. Wydrin, knife-fighting thief, scourge of ale houses everywhere and reluctant heroine is one of the most instantly likeable leads you’ll find in modern fantasy. Along with the quiet, endlessly well-meaning former knight Sebastian and the gloriously snippy mage Frith, she first arrived in The Copper Promise. Hired by Frith to do what amounted to a bank job, Wydrin and Sebastian instead caused something very bad to happen. They then did the most sensible thing anyone can do; ran away, very quickly and hoped it would leave them alone.

That form of reluctant heroism is one of the things that makes Williams’s books so much fun. They’re huge in scope, epic in stakes. But at the end of it Wydrin, Seb and Frith are still fundamentally untidy, endearingly rubbish human beings. They all screw up, none of them mean to and they all keep trying. They’re relatable people, who also happen to fight dragons and punch bad guys in the face a lot. Oh and mead. Always mead…

The trio of trouble returned in The Iron Ghost last year which both expanded their world and raised the stakes even further (Plus Seb got a boyfriend! Win!) and In 2016 we’ll see them one last time in The Silver Tide. The Copper Promise and The Iron Ghost are both out now so there’s plenty of time to catch up. Just remember, if you get to the bar before Wydrin, you’re buying…

Liz De Jager

Twitter: @LizUK
For current titles available on Amazon click here

Liz De Jager is the author you call when you have monsters fight. She knows some trained professionals. In the Banished series, monster-hunting is the family business and business is rather better than it should be. Kit Blackhart, the youngest family member is alone in the house one day when a beautiful, badly wounded young man staggers out of the woods behind the house. The only problem is, the woods are the Otherwhere, where the monsters live…

Liz’s work plays like the best TV show you haven’t got round to binge watching yet. She’s got a tremendous sense of pace, excellent comic timing and a cheerful willingness to kick stuff over when you least expect her to. The stakes raise constantly for Kit throughout the series and Liz cleverly shows us more and more of her world as they do. It’s classic adventure fiction coupled with rock solid world building, a glorious sense of humour and some delightfully handsome werewolf boys. The final volume, Judged, is out in 2016 so you’ve got time to catch up.

And once the contemporary fantasy series is done, check out the fully-fledged epic fantasy Infernal by Liz’s husband Mark, which is out August 2016. Between the two of them they’ve created worlds full of magic and lore and whilst Liz’s Banished books take place in the modern world of our here and now, Mark used the same exuberant world building for Infernal’s more overt fantasy setting.

Edward Cox

Twitter: @EdwardCox10
For current titles available on Amazon click here

Ed Cox is the author you call when you want to keep the peace or cause some trouble. His series The Relic Guild is based around a series of unexploded magical bombs. The first is the Labyrinth, a ruined former city turned into a combination prison camp and maze. The Labyrinth is the result of a catastrophic war between the humans and the Aelfir.

The humans lost.

Now, Nathan Moor has returned to the Labyrinth and brought destruction with him. The only people standing in his way are Clara and The Relic Guild, a team of magic users sworn to protect the Labyrinth. The only problem is, they’re outnumbered and after the war, no one trusts magicians…

Ed’s work deftly juggles police procedural beats, big ideas and untidy wars. That leads to some huge action and some deft narrative juggling. His second book, The Cathedral Of Known Things is a great example neatly combining the ongoing plot with a flashback to the disastrous war. The end result is a series that’s clever, enthusiastic fantasy fiction filled with difficult choices and high stakes. The third volume, The Watcher Of Dead Time, is out in 2016. So join the Guild now. They need all the help they can get.

He was also given the honour of having a short story included in Legends II.

Den Patrick

Twitter: @Den_Patrick
For current titles available on Amazon click here

Den Patrick is the author you want on your side at every duel and dinner party. He came to prominence with the War Fighting Manuals, three short, very funny books about an anthropologist studying how classic fantasy races go to war. They’re Douglas Adams by way of Generation Kill and well worth your time.

His current series is even more fun. Starting with The Boy With The Porcelain Blade, Patrick’s Erebus Sequence introduces us to an island community built around two things; mutation and class. The Orfano are feared, respected and reviled children. More than human but less than citizens, the Orfano are fought over like toys at an overcrowded birthday party and Stefano, the series lead, is one of the most controversial. A brilliant swordsman, and political football, Stefano makes one mistake and sparks a war that will bring the island’s ruling classes to their knees.

Porcelain Blade plays like an entire trilogy in one, huge amounts of incident balanced on top of delicately handled character work and some excellently choreographed action. It’s all given room to breathe too and as the series progresses and other Orfano take the spotlight you get an idea of just how complex and interesting this world is.

The Boy With The Porcelain Blade and The Boy Who Wept Blood are out now. The Girl On The Liar’s Throne is out in January.

Andrew Reid

Twitter: @mygoditsraining

Andrew Reid is the author you go to when you want to bring a kingdom down. An immensely gifted short story writer, Andrew’s one of those authors who can turn a single, tiny idea into a multi-facted gem that changes entirely depending on where you’re standing. His short story “Run Forever” (Podcast recently at Pseudopod) is a perfect example. Looked at one way it’s a cleverly realised story about recovery. Looked at another, it’s the politest, gentlest piece of zombie fiction ever written. Looked at a third, it’s a melancholy ghost story.

Andrew brings that tremendous versatility to his long form work too. Kingdom’s Fall is, depending on where you stand, three things. It’s a coming of age story for Kara, a young woman working at the family inn who gets all the adventure she could want when an amnesiac spy arrives. Looked at another way it’s a war story, with Cuan the page boy discovering just how hard it is to fight an honest war as he accompanies his Captain to meet the King. Looked at a third way, it’s a horror story as King Varrion must decide which war to fight first; the one for his kingdom or the one that may save his daughter’s life.

There are no easy answers, no simple victories and no quick escapes. Instead, there’s a complex world filled with real people doing the best they can, even when they know it won’t be enough. Kingdom’s Fall is available on Wattpad now.

Rachael K Jones

Twitter: @RachaelKJones

Rachael K Jones is the author you call when you need to train for a long distance race on the Moon. Or when your Roomba needs exorcising. Or possibly sanctifying. Basically any ecumenical concerns with your house robots? Call Rachael.

An endlessly versatile and prolific short fiction writer, her work is defined by three things: huge invention, tremendous compassion and colossal intelligence. “Wine For Witches, Milk For Saints”, her Christmas story (Podcast at Cast Of Wonders and originally published at Intergalactic Medicine Show) is a perfect example of her work. It takes traditional festive tropes and turns them into something far richer, stranger and darker while remaining true to their spirit. And yes she’s done a religious Roomba story, “St. Roomba’s Gospel” published online at Diabolical Plots. Read it and let the light of St Roomba into your soul.

Rachael has work in the Clockwork Phoenix 5 anthology due in April and the 2016 Writers Of The Future anthology. Her website is here with full links to where you can find her work.

So there you go, six authors whose unique skills, vast creativity and enthusiasm will enable you to break into the vault of 2016 and carry out a fun heist on some great new reading. Or at the very least keep your New Year’s Resolution to read some excellent new books.

Doctor Who The Husbands Of River Song main

Doctor Who “The Husbands Of River Song” REVIEW

December 25, 2015

by thatmediathing with No Comment Reviews

Doctor Who “The Husbands Of River Song” REVIEW

Aired in the UK on BBC One, Christmas Day
Writer: Steven Moffat
Director: Douglas Mackinnon

Essential Plot Points:

At Christmas on a human colony far in the future (that looks like it’s been colonised by Harry Potter fans) the Doctor is mistaken for a surgeon and asked to operate on the dying warrior King Hydroflax.
To the Doctor’s surprise, King Hydroflax appears to be married to River Song, but River doesn’t recognise the Doctor in his latest body.
River has, in fact, only married Hydrflax so that she can be close enough to him to cut off his head… because the King has a diamond lodged in his brain.
But it turns out the King can detach his head from his artificial body anyway. So the Doctor and River nick it and go on the run.
However, the King’s body has its own AI, and it pursues them, acquiring new heads along the way.
Lots of shenanigans on a luxury cruse spaceship full of dodgy aliens later, the Doctor defeats the head-hunting AI.
But the ship is hit by meteoroids, and crashes on Darillium next to the Singing Towers, where the Doctor knows he and River are destined to spend their last night.
He gives a local the diamond and tells him to sell it and use the money to build a restaurant with a view of the towers.
He then nips forward in time so he and River can have their last night… telling River that on Darillium a night lasts 24 years.

Review

We’re not being Grinches, honest. But while “The Husbands Of River Song” isn’t a Christmas turkey by any means, it is a bit of a trifle: a gaudy, sugary, over-rich piece of fluff.

You can see what Moffat’s aim is; after a boldly experimental season full of format-breaking episodes and high emotional drama it’s time for a bit of fun. This Christmas special is an unashamed, undemanding romp that exercises the brain about as much as a Road Runner cartoon. It’s a sci-fi screwball comedy with the Doctor and River in the Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn roles. It’s pacy, it’s funny, it action-packed and boasts some striking visuals (especially a couple of the new alien races).

But while there’s a lot to enjoy along the way as it rushes towards a beautifully judged and moving final five minutes, overall… it doesn’t quite work. It’s a little too desperate to be loved; an ADHD episode that’s overdosed on Smarties, jumping up and down going, “Look at me! I’m being funny!” Too often it’s simply loud, shouty and slapstick, relying on army-wavy, eye-rolling, overacting and silly voices.

Capaldi, of course, gets away with going over-the-top – his faux reaction to the size the TARDIS’s interior is one of the episode’s highlights (“Finally…!”) – but Alex Kingston’s cod-Shakespearean overtures of love to King Hydroflax are like something out of a Carry On film. Greg Davies appears to been told to act like he’s in Blackadder while Matt Lucas was clearly hired simply for his extensive range of comedy whimpers.

Combined with the ’70s Top Of The Pops lighting and Murray Gold’s “all-that’s-missing-is-a-penny-whistle” score, the result is more than a little panto at times. Sure, it’s Christmas, so that’s a cheap shot (and a criticism that’s been somewhat unfairly levelled at the show before) but never has it been nearer the truth. All it needed was for Missy to turn up as Widow Twankey. There’s nothing wrong with Who being silly on occasion, it just works better if it isn’t signposting that it’s being silly.

What’s telling is how much better the episode becomes when it does dial down the excesses. While River Song in mugging mode might reinforce every prejudice harboured by those who’ve grown tired of the character, when Alex Kingston is actually required to act (such as her speech about why you can love the Doctor but he’ll never love you back, plus that exquisite final scene, of course) you remember why we all fell in love with River in the first place. In amongst all the sound and fury, the little scene in which River talks about the diary and the Doctor reflectively says that the man who gave it to her “sounds awful” comes across like a rare gem; it’s a kind of tonal change the episode needed more of. In an episode that’s largely plotless (which isn’t a criticism, it never pretends to be anything other than a caper) it’s the character moments that provide the depth.

There are plenty of other incidental details to love in “The Husbands Of River Song” (see “The Good” list below) but the absolute high point has to be the final few scenes on Darillium. Even if you’re not the kind of fan who gets excited at the fruition of a throwaway line from over five years ago, it was a powerfully emotional way to end the episode. It looked great too, the image of the Singing Towers has near-mythical impact. If nothing else the episode sends you away with a warm glow, and doesn’t even rely on a punchline, just a surprisingly honest little exchange: “I hate you.” “No you don’t.”

Is this the last time we’ll see River Song? Probably. Possibly. While there is wriggle room for more appearances, surely her story must end here. As she said, her diary is almost full; “The Husbands Of River Song” is the prefect postscript to fill up those last few pages.

The Good:

Hydroflax’s AI body is impressive and you have to love his Big Hero 6 moment when he unexpectedly grow wings and launches into the sky. We also love the idea of a robot going around procuring heads; it’s just a shame about the heads he chooses here.
The alien concierge is wonderfully loathsome and not just because his kids ate his wife. The design of the prosthetic mask was excellent too.
The opening titles, with Christmas tree baubles in place of planets, are either cheekily kitsch or embarrassingly twee. Either way, they suit the episode.
So River’s been secretly borrowing the TARDIS and has even installed a drinks cabinet? Good on her.
The two or three “serious” Doctor/River moments are all really, really strong, the ending specifically.

The Singing Towers.
The Doctor’s spin on the old “it’s bigger on the inside” cliché.
“How do you know me?”
“It’s a tiny bit complicated. People usually need a flowchart.”
“I think I’m going to need a bigger flowchart.”
“I’ve got cross arms.”
“It’s my back.”
“Your back?”
“My back’s playing up. It simply refuses to carry the weight of an entirely pointless stratum of society who continue nothing of worth to the world and crush the hopes and dreams of working people.”
This guy… this moment… the Doctor’s reaction…

The Bad:

In the past director Douglas Mackinnon has helmed some great action episodes of the show, but he seems less sure when it comes to comedy. Where’s the subtlety? Even the action scenes – usually his forte – are a bit of a mess.
Why is it lit like a ’70s sit com? Apart from the final scenes which are gorgeous to look at, the rest of the episode looks like The Goodies meet Charlie And The Chocolate Factory.
The comedy score is grating at times.
The general overly broad tone of the acting.
Is that street set the same one used in “Face The Raven”? Even if not, the similarity when the two episodes have aired so close together, is distracting.

And The Random:

DID YOU SPOT? River pulls an Eleventh Doctor’s Fez from her bag.
River reminds the Doctor of people he’s been married to: Elizabeth I (in “The Day Of The Doctor”), Marilyn Monroe (in “A Christmas Carol”) and Cleopatra (unknown). The Doctor claims that River has also married Stephen Fry (again unknown) before suggesting that Stephen Fry and Cleopatra are the “same thing”. Now there’s a story for Big Finish to play with…
River invites the Doctor to share an Aldebaran Brandy. The Star Trek universe has Aldebaran whisky and Antarean brandy. So River could be drinking – gasp – a hybrid!
The Doctor greets River by saying he’s had a haircut and is wearing a new suit. This is a reference to River’s speech in the Tenth Doctor episode “Forest Of The Dead” when we first heard about the Singing Towers Of Darillium: “The last time I saw you – the real you, the future you, I mean – you turned up on my doorstep with a new haircut and a suit. You took me to Darillium to see the Singing Towers. What a night that was. The Towers sang and you cried. You wouldn’t tell me why, but I suppose you knew it was time. My time. Time to come to the Library. You even gave me your screwdriver. That should have been a clue.” You can see how it’s all come full circle now?!
If you understand what the phrase “me time” is a euphemism for, Nardole’s final exchange with River takes on a whole new meaning.

If you’re wondering how this all fits in with the mini-episode, “Last Night” that was one of the extras on the Series Six box-set then River does mention that time “When there were two of you.” In “Last Night” the Eleventh Doctor meets a future version of the Eleventh Doctor who is on his way to his “last night” with River. So presumably it was one of the occasions she mentions when he he ”chickened out”…
When Flemming is reading from River Song’s diary he mentions The Pandorica Opens (from “The Pandorica Opens”); a picnic as Asgard (mentioned in “Silence In The Library”); the crash of the Byzantium (the wrecked spaceship in “The Time Of Angels”); and Jim the Fish (a friend of the Doctor and River’s mentioned in “The Impossible Astronaut”).

Review by Dave Golder

• Read our other Doctor Who series 9 reviews

FEATURE: Sharing And (Mostly) Enjoying: The Rise Of The Cinematic Shared Universe

December 24, 2015

by thatmediathing with No Comment Features

Earlier this month, Hasbro announced it is working on a five-way shared universe between their various toy properties. This means that GI Joe, ROM the Spaceknight, Micronauts, Visionaries and MASK will all exist in the same universe and, presumably, cross over from time to time.

Let’s have a moment of silence as we all try and picture Roadblock teaming up with ROM and Galadria, the single female Visionary, who turned into a holographic dolphin.

It’s not an image that leaps instantly to mind is it? Unless you get Gina Carano back for Galadria and Vin Diesel as the voice of ROM in which case you’ve got yourself a party. But, fantasy Fast And Furious reunions aside, the thinking behind this move is pretty solid. After all the Marvel Cinematic Universe is a commercial juggernaut that shows no sign of slowing down and it’s about to have a lot of company.

In addition to the Hasbro-verse, DC Comics, Universal’s monsters (The Mummy, Dracula, the Wolfman, Frankenstein’s monster, etc) and Legenadary’s Godzilla and King Kong (via Skull Island) are about to return in their own shared universes as well. And while the Transformers aren’t actually sharing their cinematic universe with anyone, a team of writers has busily been mapping out not just the next Transformers film but the whole next multi-film phase of the franchise using a similar formula (here’s hoping that means the series’ days of racist stereotype autobots, monosyllabic female “characters” and Optimus Prime: Pro Celebrity Murderer are long behind it). There have been hints (from perpetual hinter Vin Diesel) that the Fast And Furious films may go the same way with spin-off and prequels.

Shred universes are clearly the “Future Of Cinema!” Or are they?

The bonuses to the shared universe approach are obvious but there are some major pitfalls too. Here, using the MCU as an example, let’s have a look at a few of them.

Benefits

The benefits to this sort of approach are obvious. The crass one is the fact that you’ll hook an audience for life instead of just blockbuster season. The MCU started with Iron Man and is now a rolling flotilla of constantly updating new franchises and sequels. It’s also still active getting on for a decade later and will continue to be so for at least another five years.

Even better, this structure allows a studio to take some risks and absorb some damage. We’ll get to whether or not anyone’s actually taken any risks in a moment but first, let’s talk about that damage and the big green chap who’s taken a lot of it. The Hulk, for all the ridiculous charm Mark Ruffalo brings him, has never exactly been a box office draw. Both the Eric Bana and Ed Norton fronted Hulk movies are fun but the character has never really connected with audiences when out on his own. Worse, with Universal holding first refusal rights on any movies featuring him there’s no real chance of seeing Hulk or his supporting cast on their own anytime soon. Which is a real shame because if the consequences of Civil War demand a single Marvel character, it’s surely Jennifer Walters, attorney at law. Oh, she’s also She-Hulk, in case you didn’t know.

Despite that, Hulk remains a vital and well-liked part of the MCU. Part of that’s because Ruffalo is so good in the role but most of it is due to Marvel – despite the two unsuccessful movies – being able to drop him into the Avengers. The film was a near-certain hit, Captain America, Iron Man and Thor were already bringing their audiences to the table and it was a chance to reinvigorate a character while giving audiences most of the Avengers line-up they wanted.

Better still, the added depth of having multiple established characters like that in one universe means everything has added consequence and weight. The collapse of SHIELD in The Winter Soldier is a great example, an event that’s defined close to two seasons’ worth of Agents of SHIELD and has cast a shadow over every Earth-based Marvel movie for years. Now the universe is set up, it’s changing. And those changes are having a knock on effect everywhere. The catastrophic after-effects of the Sokovia incident, Cap’s need to save Bucky, War Machine wanting to be recognised as a hero in his own right and so on. Done right – as the MCU often is – a shared universe gives you the chance to not only try new things but also to use a single event to alter multiple stories and re-engage multiple audiences.

Conservative choices

But to keep those audiences you have to keep surprising them and that means you have to take risks. And the one thing the MCU categorically has not done, outside the mild chance it took on Guardians Of The Galaxy, is take risks. Iron Man was released in 2008. The first Marvel movie featuring a female lead, Captain Marvel, will be released in 2019. The fact that release date is over a decade after the MCU launched is insulting. The fact that Captain Marvel’s been moved twice, once to make room for yet another Spider-Man movie is farcical. At least one of the other movies it’s shifted for, Black Panther in 2018, features the first MCU black lead character so there’s that. But taking a decade to acknowledge not every hero is a white guy cannot be viewed as anything other than formulaic and dangerously conservative.

It’s not all bad news of course, with Ant-Man And The Wasp bringing Evangeline Lilly’s barnstorming Hope Van Dyne back to the screen in 2018. But close to a decade in, the MCU is structurally complex and socially desperately simplistic. To be successful that’s something every shared universe following in its footsteps has to avoid.

There are other major problems too. The most obvious is the sense of “missing the bus” that some viewers will inevitably get. Imagine starting in on the MCU now. You’re faced with 12 movies, two Netflix series, two-and-a-half seasons of Agents of SHIELD and one of Agent Carter with further seasons of all of them, Luke Cage, Iron Fist, The Defenders, Damage Control and 11 more movies between now and 2020. That’s not a catch-up, that’s a second job.

Worse still is mission creep which Civil War has already been threatened by. The presence of the other Avengers makes perfect sense but the addition of Spider-Man can only be described as a little worrying. This is a movie that now has to do four jobs; round out Cap’s trilogy, set up the Infinity War movies, introduce one of Marvel’s most iconic characters and tell a coherent story. If anyone can do it it’s this cast and crew they’ve got but that’s still a big ask.

Then there’s the need to constantly raise both the stakes and the scale. The stakes aren’t a huge problem and, again, the MCU shows us how it can be done. The Iron Man trilogy is a very smart, way-funnier-than-you’d-expect story about a man growing up in public with added power armour and explosions, for example.

The Checklist Agenda

Scale is a real problem though and you need look no further than Age Of Ultron for proof of that. Joss Whedon’s talked about the “checklist” he had to work from with that movie and it’s a testament to how good he and his team are that it rarely shows. Regardless it’s a crammed film that does occasionally show the strain and if there’s a concern about Civil War, it’s surely that it will be Avengers 2.5 and have similar overcrowding problems. Again, to be successful, future shared universes will have to balance this constant demand for more of the same as well as more of the new, often at the exact same time. Early word is that the DC Universe movie Suicide Squad manages this very well but we’ll have to wait and see.

So, shared universes aren’t a magic bullet. They offer huge benefits but huge pitfalls too and, just under ten years into the MCU, its clear studios are still learning how to use them.

That’s actually a really good thing. The various shared universes about to roll out will bring new tricks and perspectives to the table. Some won’t work, some will absolutely soar and everything that follows them will take those successes and do even more new and interesting things with them.

In other words, shared universes mean everyone gets to play with the same toys, in some cases literally as we see with Hasbro. But the more toys we have, the better the stories will be. At least in the long run.

Alasdair Stuart

Top 5 Clichés Movie Reviewers Should Stop Using

December 21, 2015

by thatmediathing with No Comment Features

This feature does what it says on the tin… By Jayne Nelson

Ever read a film review and felt like you’ve heard it before? That’s not surprising – many reviewers repeat the same phrases, tropes and irritations in their work until they’re as familiar as old boots.

We’ve decided to list the worst culprits here… while also acknowledging that yes, we’ve probably been guilty of some of these too. But we’ll try not to be from now on, honest guv!

1 Giving the director all the credit

Being a director is hard. We wouldn’t like to do it. On call day and night; worrying about budgets; wrangling actors, crew, producers and everybody else under the sun, including the sun itself if you’re shooting outdoors (good luck with that). On top of that, you’re trying to produce a film so great it’ll not only make money for the studio, but also have critics saying your name in revered tones, like they do with Akira Kurosawa, John Ford or Orson Welles.

However, in the vast majority of cases directors are not responsible for writing what they’re filming. They’re working from a script written by one, or more, screenwriters, and wouldn’t know how to whip up a screenplay themselves if you doubled their salary. And yet, when the film hits cinemas, critics talk about the film as if it’s theirs and theirs alone.

“Steven Spielberg’s ET!” Nope, actually Melissa Mathison wrote it.

“Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland!” Sure, if he changed his name to Linda Woolverton and worked from Lewis Carroll’s book.

“Martin Scorsese’s Shutter Island!” Nope, it was adapted from Dennis Lehane’s novel by Laeta Kalogridis.

We could go on, but you get the point. Some of this director-hyping is down to space: magazines in particular have to squeeze a lot of words on a page, and listing the team of eight writers behind the latest Transformers blockbuster might be a little tough. But forgetting them entirely and pretending the film was conjured from the mind of its director in an ultimate feat of auteur cinema? Bad form!

Give those writers their due – the film wouldn’t exist without them.

2 Calling female characters “the love interest”

Do we really have to explain why this is annoying? It’s obvious, right? Alas, critics the world over still dismiss a story’s female character as nothing more than someone for the main bloke to ogle, even when they actually have other things to do in the plot. Of course, many films do simply cast women to be a “love interest” and nothing else, so there is that, but reviewers should probably be criticising this, not supporting it by using the phrase so glibly, as though it’s perfectly acceptable.

Still don’t get the fuss? Just for a moment, then, imagine how different film-reviewing would be if all men in movies were described as the “love interest” for the female characters. Han Solo? Princess Leia’s love interest. Neo? Trinity’s bit on the side. Spock? That Vulcan bloke who pops up to snog Uhura from time to time. Wouldn’t that start to irritate you after a while? Review after review, day after day, year after year? Good. Let’s wipe out that phrase for all eternity and call it even.

3 Rolling out stock phrases

Films involving car chases are “high-octane”. An actioner is a “rollercoaster ride”. Comedies are a “fun romp”. A horror movie contains “pulse-pounding terror”. Cartoons are “for all the family”. A thriller is “edge-of-your-seat”. A stupid film is described as “leave your brain at the door” entertainment. Some movies do “what what it says on the tin”. Others should be avoided “like the plague”. Others are a “bloated mess” or “epic”.

Yup, you’ve heard them all, and many more like them, and that’s because it’s hard for reviewers not to fall into these patterns. You try writing three film reviews a week for years on end without repeating yourself, especially when so many of the films you see are mediocre, and therefore tough to sum up wittily while a deadline gallops towards you…

However, writing like this is still a form of laziness that needs to be reined in, lest it become ludicrous (such as the variations of “Brilliantly brilliant!” that you see on movie posters on a fairly regular basis). Clichés are clichés for a reason – they become white noise after a while and lose their meaning. And nobody being paid to write should be boring.

4 Being entitled/showing off

It seems to come as a surprise to some critics that films aren’t made for them and them alone. They’re so wrapped up in their little world of critiquing that they forget there are other people out there who might see a film simply because they want to be entertained, and these people might also want to take younger members of their family along, too. So when a movie comes out that dares to widen its audience by cutting out sex, violence and swearing (gasp!), these critics get rather unpleasantly annoyed.

Take Prometheus as an example. Many film journos, understandably, wanted an experience as terrifying as Ridley Scott’s Alien (whoops, sorry, Dan O’Bannon’s Alien) had been back in 1979. Therefore, when news of the movie’s 15 certificate hit, rather than the hoped-for 18, they were furious. Clearly, by ensuring the film reached a wider audience, the filmmakers had diluted it to such an extent that it would be crap. How dare they!

And okay, yes, in the end Prometheus wasn’t great, but the fact professional journalists had written it off before even seeing it spoke volumes about their entitlement.

(Also, for the record, we know casual viewers did the same thing, but film reviewers are supposed to be objective, aren’t they? Or at least, that’s the plan.)

The other thing critics can forget is a fairly crucial one: their audience. If you’re reviewing an unbroken camera shot at the start of Avengers: Age Of Ultron and comparing it to Alexander Sokurov’s 2002 historical masterpiece Russian Ark, you’re being a tad pretentious, no? Sure, Russian Ark is a cool film, but you can’t assume everybody reading your piece has seen it (unless you’re writing for Sight & Sound, of course). By name-dropping an obscure segment of Russian cinema, you sound a little bit as though you’re showing off, and you’re also making your readers feel inferior for not knowing the reference.

And yet critics do this a lot. Some may argue that they’re trying to broaden viewers’ minds, and that’s laudable. Just don’t do it so… well… smugly. Okay?

5 Giving away too much of the plot

Now this is a tough one. How do you review a film without revealing too much in the way of its story? If your review is 200 words, it’s a doddle. If it’s 1,000 words, you’re screwed. You want to analyse it, pick at it, unravel its weaknesses or expound on its triumphs, but you’re talking to people who haven’t seen it yet. All they want to know is if it’s worth them parting with their dosh – and they want to enjoy reading about why, without coming away knowing too much. What a tightrope walk.

The trouble is, while the vast majority of critics can navigate that thin wire with nonchalance, others simply don’t care about revealing spoilers – particularly in films they’re slating. If a film has a terrible ending, they’ll either reveal it or hint so strongly that people can guess it in advance. If a character dies, they’ll make a thinly veiled reference to there being some kind of tragedy, or that you’ll need tissues. If there’s a twist, they’ll gleefully build it up so that when you finally see the film, you’re trying to work it out rather than being blindsided by it.

But this kind of behaviour has to stop. As revered film critic Roger Ebert put it in an article from 2005: “The characters in movies do not always do what we would do. Sometimes they make choices that offend us. That is their right. It is our right to disagree with them. It is not our right, however, to destroy for others the experience of being as surprised by those choices as we were.”

Of course, there is another factor to consider here. We’re now in an era in which film trailers ruin plotpoints simply by cramming so much into them. But that’s a discussion for another time…

What other things do reviewers do that annoy you (that isn’t just disagree with your opinions)? Let is know in the comments below!

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